There are small things that I incorporate into my life which may seem silly and insignificant - But I hold them dear. Over the past 5 years I've had one housing crisis after the other. At first I was okay with being transient, flexible, fitting my life into a series of suitcases. Then it became tiring - I wanted to unpack my bags and call some place home. The last solid place where I spent more than a year was almost exactly 5 years ago.
Shortly after I moved in, my dear friend Virginia W. gave me a painting of the Hindu Triple Goddess, Kali. At the time, Virginia was in remission for the second time from lung cancer. She told me the story of the Goddess Kali, her representation of creation, destruction, and regeneration. She told me that most people recognize her for her element of destruction, but reminded me that all three elements were equally necessary for progress.
Shortly after Virginia thought she had beaten cancer (and was smoking a pack a day to prove it) I watched her go through another diagnoses and begin to deteriorate. I watched V go through the three cycles of the Goddess Kali, and she was true to herself until the very last day. Although it was obviously not wise, V smoked until the day she died - And if anyone ever said anything about it, she would tell them we all don't know when it will be over; we all could drop dead tomorrow, and when it happened she was going to be doing what she wanted. And she was.
After Virginia passed, I took a little more sentiment to the painting - I started moving around when I left for California, and would always be sure to plant my painting of Kali in my new dwellings. This last set of moves, the painting stayed in a box and shuffled from one place to the next, and again to the next. This painting is home to me and I haven't been home in a LONG time. It's like wearing a pair of shoes that are too small for years, like having a sneeze you just can't let go of, like not knowing what to call home.
Today, I unpacked a box - And found the painting VW gave me almost 5 years ago. I kicked off those stifling shoes, sneezed, and put up my favorite painting. I feel like I am finally home.
"
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above earth or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream, down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I...
Tears stream, down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.
"
